SCENE 3
Roman Courthouse, Morning, March 15th.
Julius is seated on a chair in the center of the stage, he looks like he is concerned but also he is seemingly trying not to seem all that concerned. He is surrounded by Brutus, Cassius and others.
Caesar: I don’t want to show anyone that Caesar may be afraid. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is like the end of my plotline where I am defeating everything. Come over to me, my friends and coworkers in running the government. Come over to me.
Cassius: We have something to ask you Caesar. It’s about work.
Caesar: Okay Cassius, what is it?
Everyone: (stabs Caesar)
The stabbing is very abrupt. Everyone stabs him once in tandem, retracts, and Caesar falls limply to the floor. Everyone’s arms fall slowly back to their sides, and they are all perfectly still. Absorbed in the bloodlust, they gnash their teeth and make gnashing sounds for about thirty seconds. Then, Caesar rises. He is followed by a ghostly and pale spotlight, indicating that he is dead, and singing to himself postmortem.
Caesar: ♫ ( Recites the Song of Death) ♫
♫ Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhh
Augh
Ah
Ah
Aughhhhhh
I
I
I expected this to
Ugh
Urk
Ehhhh
Ahh
I expected this to happen and I tried to
smacks lips
Pretend I wasn’t scared but
I WASN’T EXPECTING IT FROM YOU ALSO BRUTUS
I CAUGHT SIGHT OF YOU
LIKE PROM NIGHT AND SEEING YOUR EX BOYFRIEND FROM ACROSS THE ROOM
LIKE CATCHING SOMEONE LIKING AN UNSEEMLY INSTAGRAM POST
I SAW YOU WHILE YOU PUT THE KNIFE INSIDE ME
LOOK AT MY EYES
WHY YOU ALSO BRUTUS
Whssssssshhhhhhhh
Shhhhhhhh
Fan noises such as an electric or box fan
La la luh la la
La lauh lah ♫
There is an awkward moment of silence after his song before he goes to lay back down in the position that he died in.
Caesar: Wheeze similar to a quiet fart or the air being let out of a balloon. Wounds are letting loose large amounts of blood.
Everyone: Silence
Marc Antony enters.
Marc: Sniffs the air loudly, turns, sees Caesar, runs offstage, returns.
Marc: So… You, uh… You guys killed him!
Brutus: We had to.
Marc: I can see that… that you had to. (sweating profusely)
Cassius: We all knew about his ambitions! Like… We all knew. Caesar’s kinds of little many and very many ambitions.
Marc: You thought… I mean, you knew, of course, that he was going to be a threat. To Rome. (nodding)
Brutus: (humming, whispering) Rome…
Cassius: (flirty) So you’ll help us move the body?
Cassius, Brutus and Marc Antony move Caesar’s body onto a blue bobsled decorated with snowflakes and holographic tinsel.
Brutus: The people need to know about this. We need to bring him out into Rome so that the public can lay eyes on this body.
END SCENE.
SCENE 4
Outside of courthouse, Rome, 12:10PM, hailstorming, people are all around
Brutus, Cassius and Marc Antony bring Caesar’s body out to a flat surface. It is covered in a very bloody sheet that is so wet and slick with blood that it may as well have been a red sheet to begin with. Caesar’s body, however, is so covered that it may as well have been an office chair.
Brutus: This is Caesar’s body.
Bags of grain: fall over
Windmills: move very very fast
Crowd: groan / moan
Brutus: I know he was well loved.
Cassius looks around at other things that are not the body. It is hailing very loudly.
Brutus: This was something that I had to do. You can trust me as well as you can trust a green icon or an adblocker or something like that. Like a female principal who loves the rulebook (eagle shaped door knockers).
Cassius is not facing the crowd, Brutus, or the body.
Cassius: Well… Caesar, uh… He was ambitious. And I won’t spell it out for you, but I think we all know why that’s… why… why it had to go the way it did. Yeah we killed him. Why is that bad?
Crowd: (sounds of a hairdryer or vacuum on the lowest setting)
Brutus: Be reasonable now. Be subtle now, be still. Be like water, grrr- (pained growling) (quieter) I have remorse, though… it felt like killing a grasshopper. (brief pause)
(louder) I did it for Rome! Had it not been for us, you would be his witless subjects! Try liking – (lowest setting hair dryer) try liking him with more power! You know? Try liking him when he is your eternal boss.
Crowd: Alright.
Cassius: (Coughing loudly, pelted with hail, holding a bag from Tiffany’s containing a new pair of earrings) We’re going to leave it to Marc Antony to do the eulogy.
It’s a sunny SATURDAY in a modest but stylish two-bedroom home remodeled in 2017 and located in a walkable, rapidly developing area. Two people sit at a table strewn with open magazines and some unloaded rifles which they have been house sitting for. These people are MATT (27), a freelance candle developer from Sacramento and LISA (undecided) an assistant to the head of a company that develops candles. They are scanning the magazines, hunched over, using one finger each. They are both wearing a simple jean outfit purchased from Target.
LISA: I don’t think we’re going to be able to afford renter’s insurance.
MATT: I know. It might be time to put THOMAS to work.
The camera pans to THOMAS, a seven year old boy who is sitting on the floor in the corner, happily stacking coasters. He does not appear to care about the renter’s insurance or have a job.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: (very loudly) No guys! Let’s try another way! Now with BUCKLE you can find a new way, a different way to get insured. With over twelve options to plan your coverage and an agent on-call twenty-four seven to assist you with your decisions and ideas, you can forget about the headache that used to be difficult!
LISA: (very delighted) Oh!
MATT: You hear that THOMAS? You’re staying in school!
THOMAS looks up, grinning. His eyes are glassy, wide, empty, a different color than before. THOMAS has been in the corner the entire time stacking coasters but he’s not the same THOMAS he was before. He wonders, will MATT notice? Will LISA notice? He thinks to himself that his name may not have been THOMAS before either, though it was. He is misremembering, which is why he needs to
stay in school.
BUCKLE honks the horn friendily as it backs a clean, dark blue Subaru over to Thomas, the trunk releases as satisfying automations might. They are in front of the house, I think.
BUCKLE: Don’t worry guys, I’ve got this one! Get in THOMAS!
THOMAS climbs in with a normal amount of thought and effort. There is what may have once been a terrier positioned in the backseat. THOMAS is relegated to the trunk, which houses several soccer balls.
He thinks he is going to be taken to school. Instead he is taken to a large office where he is going to have to learn how to explain BUCKLE to his parents. He is told the candle making department is downstairs.
MARCUS: So glad to have you joining us here! I’m MARCUS, your new junior assistant manager. The candle making department is downstairs, but up here we work on crafting parent-centered explanations of BUCKLE. You have them, right?
THOMAS: What?
MARCUS: (chuckles) Parents, THOMAS.
THOMAS: Oh. Yes, I think so.
The lights dim and rise again on THOMAS, he is still seven, still the same THOMAS. He is wearing a baseball cap now.
THOMAS: (rapping, after seven friendly and productive months working at the office and becoming acquainted with the team, it’s better than he expected, his memory is improving) Well I was in a pinch, yeah renting was no cinch, I had a little issue and I couldn’t… (he trails off, failing to complete the rhyme.)
Someone in the corner holds their hand over a large button with the words ‘renter’s insurance’ printed on it. If this button is pressed, THOMAS will be fired. It is possible THOMAS will be fired.
End commercial.
BOUNCE GIRL: BOUNCE! BOUNCE BACK INTO STYLE THIS SPRING, BOUNCE BACK! THIS SPRINGTIME GET A DEAL ON HATS AND SHIRTS! BOUNCE INTO YOUR STYLE.
Her legs are entirely hairless, she wears a yellow hat and shirt purchased from J.C. Peeny as she puts her arms into something that might be a dishwasher, it’s too quick to tell.
Soon she is running in place, she is running, she is rustling the streamers that have been taped to the back of her thighs.
CANDLE DEVELOPER: It’s important to emphasize that we are only bouncing onto hats and shirts. I’m concerned about the bottom line.
CANDLE DEVELOPER: (aside) I’m kind of just thinking about going home and bouncing myself. Bouncing, bouncing. I have to act like a hardass or the commercial doesn’t get made, I don’t know how to do this, ro I have to act like a hardass, I want to bounce.
A happy melody plays, it has been getting progressively louder and only now has it become stifling. BOUNCE GIRL kicks back and relaxes onto a white sofa, smiling at a large screen showing pictures of her multicultural friends and attractive family.
BOUNCE GIRL: (dubbed over, mouthing words) (microphone feedback for a long duration) (90 Db) (muffled) BOUNCE.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: I love this song but that BOUNCE GIRL IS INFURIATING.
CANDLE DEVELOPER: Okay BOUNCE GIRL, for the next one you’re definitely going to have to learn how to play drums.
End commercial.